Grief isn't an emotion that I've had much familiarity with.
When my father passed away, I thought I was experiencing grief, but I was actually angry. All my helplessness from the days when he was sick, and the grief and disbelief of his passing, snowballed into anger.
[With lakhs of people passing within a month, it should have been a rage that we collectively felt as a society. ख़ैर, at this time I should just talk about my own experience.]
My friends said that I did all I could given the circumstances. But I was angry at the circumstances. Some relatives suggested that he is in a happier place, given how much he had suffered due to his chronic diseases. I was upset that they should suggest this. I was even upset with my father for not listening in the last few days before he passed, for not cooperating with his caregivers. I had complained loudly to others that he won't listen, even suggesting that it is as if he has a death wish.
I was invited to join whatsapp groups where people expressed their condolences. I was upset at these people - I asked what they'd all done for him while he was living. Had they convinced him to take his medicines? Of course nobody responded, because they could tell I'm angry (which I couldn't, myself). I later came to know that my father had been telling everyone that he is well taken care of, that he is recovering. So what could they do 🤷🏽♂️?
Some persona non gratas thought that this would be a good time to slide into my DMs, comment on my wall, or come see me in person. Some of them, I ignored. Others, who persisted, got a piece of my mind. After all, if you couldn't be nice to man when he was alive, why bother with empty condolences now that he is gone?
We learn to control and channel our emotions (That's what being an adult is largely about, I believe.) And then, suddenly, an event like this takes place, filling us with grief and anger so our cup of emotions overflows. Our delicate balance collapses. It is simultaneously humiliating and liberating to be temporally controlled by your emotions. For your amygdala to take over from your logical, balanced, conscious mind.
Anyway. I look back now with fondness at all the good souls that held me through that tumult. Really separated the wheat from the chaff, it did. You know who you all are 🤗
When my father passed away, I thought I was experiencing grief, but I was actually angry. All my helplessness from the days when he was sick, and the grief and disbelief of his passing, snowballed into anger.
[With lakhs of people passing within a month, it should have been a rage that we collectively felt as a society. ख़ैर, at this time I should just talk about my own experience.]
My friends said that I did all I could given the circumstances. But I was angry at the circumstances. Some relatives suggested that he is in a happier place, given how much he had suffered due to his chronic diseases. I was upset that they should suggest this. I was even upset with my father for not listening in the last few days before he passed, for not cooperating with his caregivers. I had complained loudly to others that he won't listen, even suggesting that it is as if he has a death wish.
I was invited to join whatsapp groups where people expressed their condolences. I was upset at these people - I asked what they'd all done for him while he was living. Had they convinced him to take his medicines? Of course nobody responded, because they could tell I'm angry (which I couldn't, myself). I later came to know that my father had been telling everyone that he is well taken care of, that he is recovering. So what could they do 🤷🏽♂️?
Some persona non gratas thought that this would be a good time to slide into my DMs, comment on my wall, or come see me in person. Some of them, I ignored. Others, who persisted, got a piece of my mind. After all, if you couldn't be nice to man when he was alive, why bother with empty condolences now that he is gone?
We learn to control and channel our emotions (That's what being an adult is largely about, I believe.) And then, suddenly, an event like this takes place, filling us with grief and anger so our cup of emotions overflows. Our delicate balance collapses. It is simultaneously humiliating and liberating to be temporally controlled by your emotions. For your amygdala to take over from your logical, balanced, conscious mind.
Anyway. I look back now with fondness at all the good souls that held me through that tumult. Really separated the wheat from the chaff, it did. You know who you all are 🤗